MaryA1 (Arizona)
Posts: 7,043
Posts: 7,043
Posted:
This is not HOA-related, but I just couldn't help myself. These are really classic. The best one; the last one; almost made me fall off my chair. ENJOY!!!
> Subject: Disorder in the Court
>
> These are from a book called Disorder in the American
> Courts, and
> are things people actually said in court, word for word,
> taken down and now published by court reporters that had the
> torment
> of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
> taking
> place.
>
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your
> husband said to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am
> I, Cathy?'
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My
> name is Susan!
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
> impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Are
> you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: This
> myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
> memory at all?
> WITNESS:
> Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget..
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example
> of something you forgot?
> ___________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you
> know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
> WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do.
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Now
> doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> sleep, he
> doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you
> actually pass the bar exam?
> ____________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: The youngest
> son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: He's twenty,
> much like your IQ.
> ___________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
> _________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: So the
> date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> WITNESS:
> Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS:
> getting laid
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> WITNESS:
> Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a
> different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: How
> was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death..
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Take a
> guess.
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was
> about medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a
> female?
> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with
> male.
> _____________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY:
> Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
> deposition
> notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress
> when I go to work.
> ______________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
> performed on dead people?
> WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones
> put up too much of a fight.
> _________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: ALL your
> responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
> _________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
> body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY:
> And Mr.. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: If not, he was by the
> time I finished.
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS:
> Are you qualified to ask that question?
> ______________________________________
>
> And the best for
> last:
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
> you check for a pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY:
> Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did
> you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is
> possible that the patient was alive when you began the
> autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure,
> Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
> jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
> alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
> been alive and practicing law..
> Subject: Disorder in the Court
>
> These are from a book called Disorder in the American
> Courts, and
> are things people actually said in court, word for word,
> taken down and now published by court reporters that had the
> torment
> of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
> taking
> place.
>
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your
> husband said to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am
> I, Cathy?'
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My
> name is Susan!
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
> impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Are
> you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: This
> myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
> memory at all?
> WITNESS:
> Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget..
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example
> of something you forgot?
> ___________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you
> know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
> WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do.
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Now
> doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> sleep, he
> doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you
> actually pass the bar exam?
> ____________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: The youngest
> son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: He's twenty,
> much like your IQ.
> ___________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
> _________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: So the
> date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> WITNESS:
> Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS:
> getting laid
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> WITNESS:
> Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a
> different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: How
> was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death..
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Take a
> guess.
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was
> about medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a
> female?
> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with
> male.
> _____________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY:
> Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
> deposition
> notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress
> when I go to work.
> ______________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
> performed on dead people?
> WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones
> put up too much of a fight.
> _________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: ALL your
> responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
> _________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
> body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY:
> And Mr.. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: If not, he was by the
> time I finished.
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS:
> Are you qualified to ask that question?
> ______________________________________
>
> And the best for
> last:
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
> you check for a pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY:
> Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did
> you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is
> possible that the patient was alive when you began the
> autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure,
> Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
> jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
> alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
> been alive and practicing law..