Problem with Homewoners Mother

Started by CB • 10 replies • 1351 views

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CB (Florida)
Posts: 1

Posted:

We have a homeowner who's mother has dementia. She lives with her one daughter and the other daughter lives near by but both of them work and mom is left home. She walks the neighborhood all day and bothers peoples mail boxes, garbage cans, cuts thru properties to obtain access to other neighborhood, walks in middle of busy street and we are afraid she will get hurt. What can we do to correct the situation. We have talked with the daughters but they say the doctor says walking is good for her. Any suggestions. If she gets hurt on someones property is the Homeowners Assocition liable or is the particular property owner liable for a law suit?

PaulM (Pennsylvania)
Posts: 1,347

Posted:

CB:
Dementia is a wicked disease and all those involved need to be treated with TLC. The 'wandering' is a stage of dementia and it will not get better, only worse. The mom needs a caregiver to watch her to ensure her safety, and this should be the greatest concern of her daughters.

The police may need to get involved. Once they do, they will file a police report on her 'wandering' and they won't let it continue, due to her being a safety risk. You and a few 'concerned neighbors' may want to delicately approach the daughter she lives with to explain what you are observing. A new plan is in order to protect this woman. There may be an 'adult day care' center' she could go to while the daughter is at work or perhaps a caregiver could come into the home. Either way, the woman is at risk, and if it continues the police will take matters into their own hands.

It is a difficult time for the mom and the daughers and if you approach it from a standpoint of concern, they should see that something needs to be done to ensure her safety.

JM2 (Oregon)
Posts: 439

Posted:

Hi CB:

Good advice above. In addition, it may be worthwhile to see what the community resources are, that are available (e.g. Alzheimer's Association, day care, facilities). Sometimes the family needs the help of a support group, and there may be resources available to help the caregivers get out to do daily or weekly tasks and get a "breather" from being a caregiver.

While exercise is good for just about everybody, the doctor may not know exactly what's going on, either.

It may be time for the daughters to entrust their mother to a caring facility. There are lawyers who specialize in the types of issues they will be encountering, sooner or later, called "Elder Law Lawyers," who can help them to deal with estate planning, powers of attorney, etc. that will need to be in place. The daughters may not know how to proceed, the resources and strategies available, etc. and some kind words of support and encouragement are likely to be greatly appreciated.

J. Patrick Moore, CMCA

MelissaP1 (Alabama)
Posts: 13,836

Posted:

We had a few residents who were elderly that needed special assistance for various needs/health issues. Our HOA surprisingly stuck together and help care for some of the residents. I live in the south and neighbors take care of neighbors.
We had one elderly lady who's family was out of state. Me and a neighbor would often take her for a walk twice a day for her recommended exercise. Once I caught her almost setting the house on fire as she left a plastic lid on the stove eye! After that, the family was contacted and she was moved to a care facility out of state. It was a local church group that had been coming by that did the final "push" to get her the help she needed.
You may find a local church that provides services to the elderly. We have a organization called CASA. It is specifically for elderly and homebound people. They offer med pick-ups, office visit rides, meals-on-wheels, wheel chair ramps, winterizing homes, visitors, and lawncare. Your area may have a similar organization. There is also an organization that involves Alzheimer's patients. They give out identification bracelets or necklaces and are monitored. If they lose someone, they put out a "amber alert" like notification.
Many elderly people do NOT want to be removed from their homes. They shouldn't be if they don't have to be. I would try to talk to the family about options available in your area. They may be able to take advantage of them without offending their love one.
I've got neighbors who wear that "Help I've fallen and I can't get up" alarms. My name is on their list for the emergency personnell to call or contact. You may want to ask around your own HOA and see if anyone is willing to be put on such list for helping out a neighbor.
I think instead of treating it like a problem to get rid of, it should be a situation that brings people together.

Former HOA President

BradP (Kansas)
Posts: 2,640

Posted:

One of the hardest things to do is put your parents in a care facility and it is equally as difficult to go to a care facility as an adult. I think it is obvious that everyone outside the situation realizes this is necessary, but the daughters may be in denial or just don't want to let go. I would suggest talking to them and trying to get them to see the danger their mother is in. If they don't listen to that you may need to get the police involved, I would hate for it to go there, but sometimes it takes that.

PaulM (Pennsylvania)
Posts: 1,347

Posted:

A little more on getting the police involved...
If the police are called, or see mom wandering on the street, and they pick her up, they have to file a police report. Then, the 'situation' is officially on record. This is unfortunate for the family because its a matter of them not seeing to mom's safety and they can be held accountable. This is what the family should want to avoid. As far as liability to the community, I don't think that would happen--especially, if the police do get involved.

JM2 (Oregon)
Posts: 439

Posted:

Hi CB:

One of the issues that the family may be dealing with is loss - mom's losing her independence as well as cognitive skills, may have to move to a care facility - which means not only the loss of moving from your home but also the loss of privacy when moving into a care center, particularly one that serves dementia patients who tend to walk into each other's rooms - much different than moving from a house into an apartment. The daughters may be feeling guilt over the impending need to move their mom to a care facility - particularly if their dad extracted a promise to take care of mom after he was gone.

One way to deal with this is to point out how a change would be taking better care of mom - not having her out in traffic, possibly getting lost (sooner or later she will forget where she lives or how to get back home) and general things, like home safety, nutrition, etc.

My father-in-law went through a complete evaluation on dementia, which quantified his skills and gave my wife's family the tools needed to assess their ability to care for him, and to know when their capacity was becoming exceeded. If there is a medical facility nearby that does that kind of work, a referral would be of great help to the daughters. An Alzheimer's group would have a list of resources that are available.

J. Patrick Moore, CMCA

GloriaM (North Carolina)
Posts: 829

Posted:

CB:

Instead of involving the police I would speak with the daughters about having social services involved and possibly the mental health services in your area. They have a lot of experience in this and would deal with it much nicer than involving the police. Perhaps the daughters are unaware that there are services avaible to them to help with their Mother.

I recently lost my Mother to cancer and I was amazed at how many services the City had, not only Hospice, but people to come and bathe her, shop for food, take her to church, it was wonderful. Good Luck.

JM2 (Oregon)
Posts: 439

Posted:

Hi Gloria:

Sorry to hear about your mother's death. My condolences to you and your family.

Sincerely,

J. Patrick Moore, CMCA

GloriaM (North Carolina)
Posts: 829

Posted:

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words.

HaroldS1 (Arizona)
Posts: 314

Posted:

There is nothing wrong with adult day care. We used it with my mother when my wife needed to run errands. She actually enjoyed going for the company of other older people. They did exercises, games, went on field trips. It was competent, caring care. It is not abandoning the person. They get responsible care. Would anyone hesitate to put a child in day care while at work? Certainly no one would leave a child alone at home. Why would anyone leave a parent alone that needs attention?

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